An Adoption not finalized
There were 5 children under the age of 10 growing up with a large family of drug using, partying relatives. They were well known in their community for having sex orgies, while the kids were still home,and as the kids grew older they were drawn into the events. Drug bust and the social workers took over. The children went to foster care. From foster homes these adorable children were sent to adoptive homes. Therapy was advised, to help them avoid future issues.
No problems were noted at first, until there were sibling visits at the YMCA. Workers would discuss their business and let the young children get dressed into bathing suits, and not accompany them...was that a good idea? Someone noticed girls and boys in the same locker rooms doing interesting play...and workers started being more vigilant. In the water a lot of hands on activity was noted. Underwater stuff. It was then wondered if maybe no one was really aware of what was going on here.
Foster parents noticed children into other kids beds at night, and adoptive parents reported their other children molested. It was a disaster. Children are adorable, but when the sex switch has been turned on, they need to be monitored. Little ones do not have impulse control or the understanding of what is taboo. They have seen behaviors, they innocently but secretly do them again with other children.
Such is what happened in our house. The youngest of the group, a boy age 5 and a girl age 7, were placed in our family of 4 children. Soon we noticed seductive behavior on the part of the older girl, bouncing so that her skirt would jump out and her pants would be revealed while she went down the steps. She was required to wear shorts or pants under skirts. She " rocked" as she sat. When she sat on my lap, to read or be given attention, she would wet, showing a lot of fear of being abused, or anger at the adult mother figure. It became a rule, that it was not allowed to wet and sit on a lap. This little girl had times where she would scream without reason, at which time I put her on the back porch it was so loud. At one time I had put both children on the porch, they were screaming so loudly without reason. I just wondered what the neighbors might have thought about the noise. The other four children in the family did not get along with these new children because they were so loud and destructive, breaking toys instead of playing with them. The little boy loved anything to do with dinosaurs, and the little girl joined my ballet classes. She loved the idea of being a ballerina; she was all girl, with bows, ribbons, and costumes. Parenting these children was very difficult, since they did not understand the word no. Limits had been unheard of. If bedtime came while they wanted to do something else, you would get a screaming tantrum. Bedtimes and bathtimes were filled with visions of activities I had no way of imaging. Reading them a story was difficult since they had no patience to sit and listen. They hit each other, interrupted, or started doing other things. Sitting and hearing someone speak was not easy if you had not done it before. Within a few months we noticed our children in the same room, with some clothes off. Then we noticed other activities between the children not acceptable within the family. We discussed this with the children, set up careful limits, and made sure everyone knew what was allowed in our family. "Boys and girls did not touch, and it was not okay for adults to touch children, except doctors who take care of you while your mom or dad was there with you. There should never be secrets about this, and you can always tell an adult to check whatever is being done, that might make you uncomfortable." We wanted the children to feel safe about our behaviors as well as limit their actions around each other. It also meant constant vigilence, but we hoped to be able to deal with this, as both children were young, and we dealt with this in therapy.
Behaviors escalated, not settled down. Children seemed to think we would continue the pattern of behavior of their birth family. They even provoked arguing and acted seductively toward the adults. It was a very difficult time, which meant everyone was in therapy, adults and the children, and no one was happy. The older children did not want to go to therapy anymore, being teens, and wanted to ignore the situation, but they were very much involved. What if they were alone with the little girl and she made accusations? We needed to protect them all, making sure they knew to come to us in all uncomfortable circumstances, and tell us whenever either child made any kind of overtures or displays with which we would have to deal. I had never considered how constant and intense the home life would become, and every waking moment in my home would be. Everything had changed.
My mental condition changed. No one but me knows how this happened, but as I parented these children, I started to relive my own nightmares of the past, my own sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Everyday working through what these children were doing, I responded emotionally. One day, with the little girl screaming and running in large circles in her bedroom, banging into the walls, throwing herself against the furniture as I stood at the door not being able to stop her, I broke down crying, at the realization this was beyond what I could parent or help.
It took at least three months after we decided not to adopt these lovely children til the county finally found other homes, and at our insistance, they were placed separately, so they would not continue sexually interacting with each other, and into homes without younger children to harm.
For months after their departure I mourned them and I continued to relive the memories within my mind that I had hidden, the emotions that were too powerful for me to endure at the age of 6. The reality of what had happened to me, which I had not wanted to face had been forced into the forefront of my mind by the experience of this adoption not finalized.
No problems were noted at first, until there were sibling visits at the YMCA. Workers would discuss their business and let the young children get dressed into bathing suits, and not accompany them...was that a good idea? Someone noticed girls and boys in the same locker rooms doing interesting play...and workers started being more vigilant. In the water a lot of hands on activity was noted. Underwater stuff. It was then wondered if maybe no one was really aware of what was going on here.
Foster parents noticed children into other kids beds at night, and adoptive parents reported their other children molested. It was a disaster. Children are adorable, but when the sex switch has been turned on, they need to be monitored. Little ones do not have impulse control or the understanding of what is taboo. They have seen behaviors, they innocently but secretly do them again with other children.
Such is what happened in our house. The youngest of the group, a boy age 5 and a girl age 7, were placed in our family of 4 children. Soon we noticed seductive behavior on the part of the older girl, bouncing so that her skirt would jump out and her pants would be revealed while she went down the steps. She was required to wear shorts or pants under skirts. She " rocked" as she sat. When she sat on my lap, to read or be given attention, she would wet, showing a lot of fear of being abused, or anger at the adult mother figure. It became a rule, that it was not allowed to wet and sit on a lap. This little girl had times where she would scream without reason, at which time I put her on the back porch it was so loud. At one time I had put both children on the porch, they were screaming so loudly without reason. I just wondered what the neighbors might have thought about the noise. The other four children in the family did not get along with these new children because they were so loud and destructive, breaking toys instead of playing with them. The little boy loved anything to do with dinosaurs, and the little girl joined my ballet classes. She loved the idea of being a ballerina; she was all girl, with bows, ribbons, and costumes. Parenting these children was very difficult, since they did not understand the word no. Limits had been unheard of. If bedtime came while they wanted to do something else, you would get a screaming tantrum. Bedtimes and bathtimes were filled with visions of activities I had no way of imaging. Reading them a story was difficult since they had no patience to sit and listen. They hit each other, interrupted, or started doing other things. Sitting and hearing someone speak was not easy if you had not done it before. Within a few months we noticed our children in the same room, with some clothes off. Then we noticed other activities between the children not acceptable within the family. We discussed this with the children, set up careful limits, and made sure everyone knew what was allowed in our family. "Boys and girls did not touch, and it was not okay for adults to touch children, except doctors who take care of you while your mom or dad was there with you. There should never be secrets about this, and you can always tell an adult to check whatever is being done, that might make you uncomfortable." We wanted the children to feel safe about our behaviors as well as limit their actions around each other. It also meant constant vigilence, but we hoped to be able to deal with this, as both children were young, and we dealt with this in therapy.
Behaviors escalated, not settled down. Children seemed to think we would continue the pattern of behavior of their birth family. They even provoked arguing and acted seductively toward the adults. It was a very difficult time, which meant everyone was in therapy, adults and the children, and no one was happy. The older children did not want to go to therapy anymore, being teens, and wanted to ignore the situation, but they were very much involved. What if they were alone with the little girl and she made accusations? We needed to protect them all, making sure they knew to come to us in all uncomfortable circumstances, and tell us whenever either child made any kind of overtures or displays with which we would have to deal. I had never considered how constant and intense the home life would become, and every waking moment in my home would be. Everything had changed.
My mental condition changed. No one but me knows how this happened, but as I parented these children, I started to relive my own nightmares of the past, my own sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Everyday working through what these children were doing, I responded emotionally. One day, with the little girl screaming and running in large circles in her bedroom, banging into the walls, throwing herself against the furniture as I stood at the door not being able to stop her, I broke down crying, at the realization this was beyond what I could parent or help.
It took at least three months after we decided not to adopt these lovely children til the county finally found other homes, and at our insistance, they were placed separately, so they would not continue sexually interacting with each other, and into homes without younger children to harm.
For months after their departure I mourned them and I continued to relive the memories within my mind that I had hidden, the emotions that were too powerful for me to endure at the age of 6. The reality of what had happened to me, which I had not wanted to face had been forced into the forefront of my mind by the experience of this adoption not finalized.
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