Your Father was a Saint! All Men are evil!
My Mother sent me some mixed messages. I think my brother might have been even more confused than I with a father MIA in World War 2. We had no contact or recollection of him; Mom raised us in America as a single mom, and lifted up the image of our Father, as a God, an artist, who wanted nothing more than to be with his children and care for them in peace, but had been forced at the end of a gun, to participate in the war, as an ambulance driver when his pleas of being a pacifist went unheeded. As she said, "The finest young men, pacifists were sent to drive and ride the ambulances into the front lines, to pick up the wounded. They could not carry arms, so they were punished by being in the midst of the worst shooting. It was a way for the the commanders to make sure they were truly pacifists. They could not defend themselves even when shot at."
So here we were in a peaceful and free country, with Mom was speaking to us, "All men are evil", routine, and "Don't believe what they say", which I think many Moms say to their daughters to protect them from what might happen in their teen years, or even when approached by strangers. I guess she did not carefully consider the combination of the Deification of the lost Father, with her Wary of Strangers approach, but it had a weird effect on me. I was a bit confused. I wanted to have a "special" relationship with someone, as did my Mom with a "Godlike Creature", obviously without any physical involvement needed....
Mom seemed to not speak about any of the nitty-gritty of the physical mechanics. Maybe that was the way of the times, maybe she expected the school to take care of it. At one time in our lives she explained, "You were such a reader, I just put books around and you read everything anyway, so I did not think I had to discuss anything with you." What she did explain, over and over, was that "All men are dogs..." That was her view, her feelings about them, and that was that. How that would bear on the fact that she had a son, I could not figure out. How about my Father, and that I was part of him, I could not fathom. It was all very black and white and never integrated into any kind of logical meaning for me. I wonder how many other young ladies begin dating and are as unprepared as I was?
Not that I did not know the mechanics. I had read the books on my own.
Not that I was not ready for the pick up lines and underhandedness of men, for Mom had done her job.
It was that I was totally unprepared to integrate my own feelings about life, men, independence, relationships, and intimacy.
What I first did was I looked for a "Special Father" figure. Not a good idea. I played more of a little child in that relationship, and was not myself, since normally quite smart and controlling, here I was led and controlled. This bombed after a while, since I could only play regressed a while. I got tired of it fast.
I did like the attention you get being stupid. A lot more than being smart...Falling down skiing, needing to get helped up, getting shown how to work the poles, how to get on the ski lift, the guy really feels great, and you get all the attention. Everyone gets to laugh at how you ended up sliding down Center Stage with the skis in back, and your face in the snow. Time to rest in the lodge and party!
At one stage I went for the computer match dating. I filled out forms about myself, and what I thought my date should be. I received forms back and called potential dates. The dates were not matches. After a few months of computer dating I gave up. It could not have been a worse idea, because either I did not know myself, and thought I knew what I wanted, or the others in the computer did not, so we did not match up at all. This is where I came to the conclusion that there is much more to dating than answering questions. I have tried looking through the computer recently, since divorcing Jim, and the same thing has happened. The people in the files seem to have little in common with me, a retired single parent of two teens, living in a home with a crazy toy poodle.
Even though my marriage to Jim ended in divorce, we lasted 30 years. We did not divorce until after Mom died. She would have said, "See! I told you!!!! All men are Dogs!" No marriage stood up to the one she had with the love of her life.
I also let my Mother's opinion influence my choices. When she met my date, she would immediately tell me what she thought, usually, being very negative about whomever I was dating. Depending on how I was feeling, I would rebel against her wishes and continue dating someone I disliked, or stop dating someone who might have been just right for me, just because she did not like him. In fact, when I met Jim I did not let them meet until after we had decided to marry. I "asked" for her to approve our marriage. I was already 30, so we would have no matter what her comments. I used to say Jim impressed me, since when I looked back he was always there on the skis following me.
I think in the end Mother wanted me to find someone who was an artist, a pacifist, a thinker, an educated man, a linguist, a....wait... that sounds just like...my Father! She wanted what she had found. I think the greatest wish was that I have happiness with a soul mate. I think as parents we just do not always have the tools to teach finding relationships to our children, and the way the lesson is taught is not always the lesson that is learned.
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| the artist at work- my Father |
So here we were in a peaceful and free country, with Mom was speaking to us, "All men are evil", routine, and "Don't believe what they say", which I think many Moms say to their daughters to protect them from what might happen in their teen years, or even when approached by strangers. I guess she did not carefully consider the combination of the Deification of the lost Father, with her Wary of Strangers approach, but it had a weird effect on me. I was a bit confused. I wanted to have a "special" relationship with someone, as did my Mom with a "Godlike Creature", obviously without any physical involvement needed....
Mom seemed to not speak about any of the nitty-gritty of the physical mechanics. Maybe that was the way of the times, maybe she expected the school to take care of it. At one time in our lives she explained, "You were such a reader, I just put books around and you read everything anyway, so I did not think I had to discuss anything with you." What she did explain, over and over, was that "All men are dogs..." That was her view, her feelings about them, and that was that. How that would bear on the fact that she had a son, I could not figure out. How about my Father, and that I was part of him, I could not fathom. It was all very black and white and never integrated into any kind of logical meaning for me. I wonder how many other young ladies begin dating and are as unprepared as I was?
Not that I did not know the mechanics. I had read the books on my own.
Not that I was not ready for the pick up lines and underhandedness of men, for Mom had done her job.
It was that I was totally unprepared to integrate my own feelings about life, men, independence, relationships, and intimacy.
What I first did was I looked for a "Special Father" figure. Not a good idea. I played more of a little child in that relationship, and was not myself, since normally quite smart and controlling, here I was led and controlled. This bombed after a while, since I could only play regressed a while. I got tired of it fast.
I did like the attention you get being stupid. A lot more than being smart...Falling down skiing, needing to get helped up, getting shown how to work the poles, how to get on the ski lift, the guy really feels great, and you get all the attention. Everyone gets to laugh at how you ended up sliding down Center Stage with the skis in back, and your face in the snow. Time to rest in the lodge and party!
At one stage I went for the computer match dating. I filled out forms about myself, and what I thought my date should be. I received forms back and called potential dates. The dates were not matches. After a few months of computer dating I gave up. It could not have been a worse idea, because either I did not know myself, and thought I knew what I wanted, or the others in the computer did not, so we did not match up at all. This is where I came to the conclusion that there is much more to dating than answering questions. I have tried looking through the computer recently, since divorcing Jim, and the same thing has happened. The people in the files seem to have little in common with me, a retired single parent of two teens, living in a home with a crazy toy poodle.
Even though my marriage to Jim ended in divorce, we lasted 30 years. We did not divorce until after Mom died. She would have said, "See! I told you!!!! All men are Dogs!" No marriage stood up to the one she had with the love of her life.
I also let my Mother's opinion influence my choices. When she met my date, she would immediately tell me what she thought, usually, being very negative about whomever I was dating. Depending on how I was feeling, I would rebel against her wishes and continue dating someone I disliked, or stop dating someone who might have been just right for me, just because she did not like him. In fact, when I met Jim I did not let them meet until after we had decided to marry. I "asked" for her to approve our marriage. I was already 30, so we would have no matter what her comments. I used to say Jim impressed me, since when I looked back he was always there on the skis following me.
I think in the end Mother wanted me to find someone who was an artist, a pacifist, a thinker, an educated man, a linguist, a....wait... that sounds just like...my Father! She wanted what she had found. I think the greatest wish was that I have happiness with a soul mate. I think as parents we just do not always have the tools to teach finding relationships to our children, and the way the lesson is taught is not always the lesson that is learned.
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